Figuring It Out
by reader086
Summary: Eric is trying to find a way to cope with this new information of Alan having a deadly illness of which there is no cure. But he might just be having some difficulties, especially when his "friendship" with his partner seems to be growing.
1. Chapter 1

After work Eric Slingby was walking with Alan Humphries back to their homes, and his mind kept wandering to what had happened earlier that day. He had found out that Alan was sick with the Thorns of Death, the only incurable disease known to reapers.

_Here I am walking home with Alan as I do every day, but it's so different now that I know he's sick. How could this have happened to someone so sweet like him? Why does it have to be HIM?! Why can't it it be me?! _He internally sighed_, calm down, you got to keep it together, for him. Keep it together for him._

"Eric, are you ok?" Alan questioned, worried over how quiet his friend had been since left work that day.

"Hm? Oh yeah I'm fine, I was just thinking that maybe you should come over to my place tonight...? Eric suggested, "I was just thinking since you live farther away and your sick... That-"

"No." Alan cut in, not letting him finish his sentence. He refused to be treated differently by him just because he now knew he was sick, and pulled off a sour look just top it off. "Not because I'm sick. If that's why you want me over, then I'm not going."

"Oh come on, don't give me that look. And besides...it doesn't _have_ to be because you're sick. Think of it like...a sleepover or something," Eric reasoned, not wanting to lose this argument. "or...you know, just two blokes getting together to have a good time. How about it? Please?" Eric let a hint of pleading into his voice, hoping to make Alan crack.

"I guess..." Alan sighed, feeling a little guilty over snapping at him, then hearing the pleading tone lacing his voice. "I just don't want you to act differently now that you know I'm sick! I just want you to treat me the same...like you always did. Please don't change how you act because of this." Alan's voice was nothing but a mere whisper by the end of his sentence, even though he started out strong. He just felt so defeated at that moment, as if he had nothing left to give.

"I won't, I swear." Eric promised, hating to see Alan look so depressed, and just wanting to cheer him up somehow.

He ruffled the brunets hair as he asked again, only sounding more himself and honest this time. "so...do you want to come over today? If you don't...I understand. It was wrong of me to try to treat you differently, I know that, I just...I worry about you. I'm sorry if I offended you, I really don't want to. I care about you, I really do, and the last thing I'd want to do is upset you." Eric admitted.

But not just admitting to Alan, but also to himself. He knew what he'd been feeling for awhile now, he just didn't want to admit it. But there was no ignoring it now. He said he "cared"...but he more than just cares about him, he _loves_ him, with all his heart. But he's just too afraid to show it, and he knows that.

Alan blushed lightly as he replied with a bright smile, "I'd love to. And you didn't upset me." He turned his face towards the ground as he spoke his next words, "I honestly don't think you ever could..."

"Great!" Eric beamed down at his partner giving him a light clap on the back. "Let's get going then shall we?"


	2. Chapter 2

After reaching Eric's house the blond shinigami went straight to cooking supper, disappearing into the other room. "Just make yourself at home." He called from the kitchen

"Um...okay." Alan responded, unsure of what to do now that he was alone. The brunet sat down awkwardly on the couch and surveyed his surroundings. It was a nice cozy home, there was a fireplace on the opposite wall keeping him warm, a big chair on his left, a small low table in front of him, a couple bookshelves which were about half full of all sorts of books, and the door to the kitchen on his right was ajar so he could hear Eric making their dinner.

Just as soon as he started to feel at ease he felt a burning sensation erupt throughout his chest, spreading rapidly through his body. He tried to yell out, to call for help, but no sound came out except little gasps of breath.

Eric having not heard a sound from Alan in the living room since they got there went to check on him. Upon entering he found the small shinigami laying on the floor withering in pain. He rushed to his side but didn't know what to do, so he wrapped his arms around him and whispered soothing words of comfort in his ear, trying anything to try and help his friend in pain.

Finally after what seemed like hours-but was more around ten minutes-the weak shinigami gained enough strength to talk, yet still lent heavily on Eric's side. "Th-thank you for that...but I should be okay now, I believe it's over."

"What are you talking about?!" Eric demanded, "What even was that!?" He stared down gently at the small brunet still wrapped in his arms as he spoke. His words sounded harsh and demanding, but his eyes showed worry and confusion.

"It was just an attack from the thorns, I get them sometimes. They may hurt a lot, but they don't usually last that long...except today's felt worse for some reason." He tried to avoid the others gaze, still feeling rather guilty for bringing him into this whole situation.

Eric's eyes widened at the end of Alan's statement, automatically fearing the worst, "You mean they're getting worse? That's not good, can't you do anything to prevent them? Or make them easier for you? So they won't hurt as much?"

"Well...all I can really do is just take it easy, but I'm not gonna just lay around all day! I refuse to let this take control of my life."

Eric sighed and gave a little nod of understanding, he wouldn't want to spend all day in bed either, but he just didn't want Alan to hurt. "Anything I can get you? Even if it just helps a little, I'll get you anything you need."

"No, I'm fine. Umm... Eric, what about the food? Weren't you in the middle of cooking something?" Alan wondered, he knew how particular Eric could get over his cooking.

"It can wait." The blond replied with a shrug, helping Alan onto the couch and sitting down next to him. The younger reaper watched him with mild interest, wondering why he would care so much about him, he knew they were friends but, to drop everything to make sure he was okay...he just didn't understand it.

After a deafening silence that seemed to drag on for minutes on end Alan finally spoke up at the look on Eric's face. "Are you okay Eric...? You don't look so good, do you feel sick or somethi-"

"Alan." Eric cut off the end of his sentence with a look of something akin to despair, "Why did you keep this from me? I would have been there for you, helped you all I could. I don't understand why you tried to do this by yourself!"

Not expecting the sudden outburst Alan was at a loss for words. Opening and closing his mouth yet no sound came out. Regaining his composure after a bit he managed to let out what he wanted to say, "I...I just didn't want to be a burden to you, I mean, if you were always watching out for me you couldn't get as much work done and-"

"You are more important than work!...you could also never be a burden to me."

Despite the concerning look in the blondes eyes Alan was starting to get slightly annoyed from getting cut off, resulting in him having a sharper tone than he meant. "I'm sorry if I offended you, it's not that I didn't trust you. I just didn't want to make you get involved."

"Your not making me get involved! I want to be involved! I want to be there for you! to protect you! to stay by your side no matter what!..." The older shinigami looked straight into the brunettes eyes, showing him how truthful his words were, not that it was needed since the emotion in his voice left no doubt. Before Alan could reply to his confession he pressed his lips against the brunets in a passionate kiss, it was gentle yet firm; showing just how much he truly cared. He continued the kiss even though the smaller reaper next to him was unmoving and stiff. He needed Alan to see how he felt, he didn't care that he wasn't returning the kiss, he just needed him to know.

Eric pulled away from the kiss and desperately studied Alan's face, he looked like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming truck. And with that look, Eric's heart sank.


	3. Chapter 3

It took Alan awhile to comprehend what was happening. But it was true, Eric was kissing him! He didn't know how to respond, Eric seemed so sincere, then it hit him. He couldn't do this, he couldn't be with Eric this way. He was going to die and that would already hurt Eric enough! But if he kissed back he knew he'd make it worse. And he couldn't do that to him, he didn't want to hurt him more than he already would now.

So Alan made his decision, he stayed unmoving and unresponsive, hoping the kiss would end soon. Once Eric pulled away he put on his best shocked face, hoping to convince the blond that he didn't feel the same, though on the inside his heart was screaming at him to do something. Tears welled up in his eyes as he looked up at Eric, his expression was heartbreaking.

Eric's eyes widened once he noticed the tears starting to stream down Alan's face and suddenly he had no idea what to do. He never meant to hurt Alan, quite the opposite actually, and now he was sitting there crying.

"Alan...I'm so sorry! I shoulda stopped sooner I know- but-...I'm sorry!" Eric stumbles over his words, never being one that was good in conveying his feelings.

"I-it's not that!" Alan replied whilst wiping the tears from his eyes, "It was just unexpected is all..." He looked away from Eric's face to try and hide his lie. "I'm not upset, if that's what you're worried about."

"Then why are you crying?"

"It's nothing," Alan stated, getting up from his spot on the couch and quickly making his way to the door. "I should get going. It's getting late," he called over his shoulder as he slipped on his shoes.

Eric stood there for a moment as Alan flew past him turning to watch him basically run to the door. With so many thoughts running through his mind he barely caught what the smaller reaper had said causing him to sprint for the entrance and grab Alan's sleeve to stop him from walking out the now opened front door.

Desperate for anything to say to keep the brunet from leaving Eric blurted out the first thing that came to his mind, "I thought we were having a sleepover?"

"I just remembered I have the early shift tomorrow," Alan tugged his arm free from Eric's hold as he stepped outside into the cool brisk winter air, "have a good night."

And with that he hurried down the road to reach the safety of his own home, leaving a confused and heartbroken blond alone on his doorstep.


End file.
